Decenter Men: when there is more to life than just relationships
"Decenter Men" is a concept that has been actively discussed in recent years. It is not about rejecting relationships, marriage, or men in general. And even less about hating them.
"Decenter Men" suggests asking yourself another question: What remains in my life if I remove the search for a partner and the expectation of their approval for a certain period of time?
For many women, the answer may be surprising. Their professional goals, financial independence, creativity, travel, education, friendships, hobbies, recreation, volunteering, and relationships with themselves often coexist with their romantic lives, but can take a back seat when finding or maintaining a relationship becomes a top priority.
In many cultures, a woman has long been valued based on her marital status.
She got married, had children, “established her personal life” – therefore, she achieved important goals. If a woman does not have a partner, she may be sympathized with, given unsolicited advice, or asked when she will finally “find someone.”
Such perceptions can create the feeling that romantic relationships are a prerequisite for a fulfilling life.
Because of this, a woman may unconsciously begin to evaluate herself based on the attention of men: whether someone likes me, whether I am attractive enough for a serious relationship, or whether I am getting married "too late."
The problem is not the desire to have a partner. The problem arises when your self-worth starts to depend on whether someone else has chosen you.
What does it mean to put yourself first?
Within the framework of "Decenter Men", one's own life should not be built around a potential partner.
This could mean allowing yourself to plan a trip, even if you don't have anyone to go with right now. Changing jobs if it's not a good fit. Learning something that interests you. Spending money on your own needs and development. Exercising not to meet someone else's beauty standards, but because you enjoy moving. Having a hobby that doesn't bring benefits or income.
Sometimes it's even about simple things: not canceling a meeting with a friend because of a date, not postponing your own plans for the sake of a person you've just started talking to, not changing your beliefs or appearance just to meet someone's expectations.
Not only romantic relationships can be intimate
Another important part of "Decenter Men" is rethinking the meaning of friendship and other social connections.
Romantic relationships are often perceived as the most important, and friendship as something secondary that should fade into the background after a partner appears, but close friends, family, can also be a source of support and trust.
Therefore, it is important not to give up your own social circle for the sake of a relationship. Your partner should not become the only person with whom you share your experiences and spend all your free time.
Healthy relationships do not isolate a person from their life – they become a part of it.
"Decenter Men" is not about life without men
A woman has the right to want a relationship. She also has the right not to.
Self-fulfillment, friendship, work, creativity, relaxation, financial stability, and relationships with yourself are not a “backup plan” in case the relationship doesn’t work out – they are part of life.
If you have been a victim of domestic violence or gender discrimination, please contact the National Hotline for Prevention of Domestic Violence, Human Trafficking and Gender Discrimination for advice and assistance:
📱116 123
☎ 0 800 500 335
This article was made possible by the support of the Norwegian people through the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Norway (MFA of Norway) within the framework of the project “Building a Gender-Inclusive Recovery with the Women’s Movement of Ukraine” (GEN-Recovery). Responsibility for the content of the information lies with the NGO “La Strada-Ukraine”. The information presented in this article does not necessarily reflect the views of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Norway or the Government of Norway.
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