Why normalizing the first outbursts of aggression blocks the way out of toxic relationships
"He/She is just tired."
"He/She is going through a difficult time right now."
"He/She didn't mean to offend me."
"Well, everyone can get frustrated sometimes."
This can explain the first manifestations of aggression in a relationship. Especially if the partner/ka behaved in a caring, supportive, attentive manner and gave no obvious reason to doubt his/her attitude.
However, the problem is that aggression rarely starts with a person immediately committing violence. Often, it starts with something that is easy to chalk up to fatigue, a bad temper, or a bad day: a harsh tone, shouting, an offensive comment, banging on a table, demonstratively breaking things, threats, jealousy, or attempts to control communication.
And if you find an excuse for it every time, the limit of what is permissible gradually shifts.
"This won't happen again"
The partner yelled – but then apologized.
He/She responded rudely – but explained that he/she was very tired.
He/She punched the wall with his/her fist – but assured me that he/she would never raise his/her hand against you.
After this, the relationship can become warm and peaceful again. That is why it can be difficult to perceive the event as a serious signal.
An apology does not undo what happened, just as stress, alcohol, jealousy, or problems at work do not make aggression normal.
A person may get angry, upset, or experience strong emotions, but the responsibility for how they behave towards others remains with them.
It is important to distinguish between emotionality and aggressive behavior.
It's normal to be disappointed. It's also normal to need time to calm down after a conflict.
However, shouting, humiliation, threats, intimidation with phrases like "he/she doesn't control himself/herself when he/she gets angry" should not be an excuse.
Because if aggressive behavior is always left without consequences, the idea can become entrenched in the relationship: behaving this way is acceptable.
"But he/she can be very good"
A partner can be attentive, caring, funny, support you in difficult moments, and at the same time behave aggressively during conflicts.
When aggression is repeated, a person may gradually lose their sense of their own boundaries.
She/he no longer asks herself/himself: “Am I being treated properly?” but thinks: “What can I do so that he/she doesn’t react like this anymore?”
Self-blame appears: "Maybe I really said something wrong?"
Fear arises: "If I leave now, it will be even worse."
There may be financial dependence, shared housing, children, isolation from loved ones, threats, or the belief that no one else will support.
Therefore, the question "why didn't she/he just leave?" ignores the complexity of the situation in which the person finds themselves.
The first outburst of aggression is a reason not to ignore your own feelings and pay attention to your partner's behavior.
A safe relationship doesn't mean there is never conflict, but conflict does not equal fear, humiliation, or intimidation.
If you notice aggression in your relationship or don't know how to proceed, you can seek support.
Remember: the responsibility for aggressive behavior lies with the person who displays it.
If you have been a victim of domestic violence or gender discrimination, please contact the National Hotline for Prevention of Domestic Violence, Human Trafficking and Gender Discrimination for advice and assistance:
📱116 123
☎ 0 800 500 335
This article was made possible by the support of the Norwegian people through the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Norway (MFA of Norway) within the framework of the project “Building a Gender-Inclusive Recovery with the Women’s Movement of Ukraine” (GEN-Recovery). Responsibility for the content of the information lies with the NGO “La Strada-Ukraine”. The information presented in this article does not necessarily reflect the views of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Norway or the Government of Norway.
Українська