Passive aggression and microaggressions in everyday life: how to recognize the subtle details that systematically undermine self-esteem

Passive aggression is a way of expressing irritation, resentment, or dissatisfaction not directly, but indirectly.

A person may not say, “I’m angry with you,” but may demonstratively ignore, respond coldly, intentionally delay agreements, do something “as if by accident,” or use sarcasm.

For example:

— "Of course, do as you wish. You always know best."
— “No, no, everything is fine,” said in such a tone that it is clear: in fact, it is not at all fine.
— "Oh, you even look normal today."

And what is microaggression?

Microaggressions are short, often mundane statements or actions that devalue, stereotype, or humiliate a person.

Context, repetition, focus, and the message a person regularly receives are key.

In everyday life, this may look very mundane:

 — "Well, for a girl, you're pretty good at this."
— "I don't know how you don't understand that."
— "I'm just telling the truth, and you don't know how to accept it."
— "You're so sensitive here."
— "No offense, but..."

What's especially exhausting is that each individual episode may seem too small to be a source of conflict. But dozens of such situations create a persistent feeling of "something is wrong with me."

When does a "joke" stop being a joke?

Humor can be a way of intimacy, but it ceases to be harmless when one person regularly becomes its target.

For example, if a colleague constantly comments on your competence, your partner on your appearance, and your relatives on your decisions, then add, "I'm just kidding," the problem doesn't go away.

A reference point can be not only that, what did the person say, but also that, how does he react to your reaction.

If you say, "I hate to hear that," and you get this in response:

"You have no sense of humor";
"You're twisting everything";
"You see, you can't even joke with me" —

This is already a reason to pay attention to the nature of the interaction.

How does this affect self-esteem?

At first, you just notice that you feel awkward after the conversation. Then you start explaining your decisions more. Then you start making excuses in advance before saying or doing anything.

This is how an inner critic is formed, which continues to speak even when the person who devalued is no longer around.

What can be done?

The first step is to regain the right to trust your own feelings.

You don't have to prove to the other person that their words were "objectively offensive." If you feel uncomfortable, you have the right to say so. You can use simple and specific wording:

"I don't like these kinds of jokes."
"I didn't ask for advice."
"I don't like it when my decisions are ridiculed."
"I heard your opinion, but I reserve the decision for myself."

And it is important to look not only at the words in response, but also at subsequent behavior.

The person may disagree, but still respect your boundary. However, if the behavior is repeated systematically after a clearly stated request, it is no longer just a matter of a bad joke or a misunderstanding.

It's not just the obvious insults that can be psychologically dangerous. Sometimes what's most draining is what's hard to even articulate: constant sarcasm, unsolicited judgments, doubt in your decisions, bad jokes.

Therefore, it is worth paying attention not only to the question "Did this person really want to offend me?", but also to something else:

"What regularly happens to me around this person?"

If you have been a victim of domestic violence or gender discrimination, please contact the National Hotline for Prevention of Domestic Violence, Human Trafficking and Gender Discrimination for advice and assistance:

📱116 123

☎ 0 800 500 335

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This article was made possible by the support of the Norwegian people through the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Norway (MFA of Norway) within the framework of the project “Building a Gender-Inclusive Recovery with the Women’s Movement of Ukraine” (GEN-Recovery). Responsibility for the content of the information lies with the NGO “La Strada-Ukraine”. The information presented in this article does not necessarily reflect the views of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Norway or the Government of Norway.